Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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