I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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