So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Randomize
