All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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