Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
