Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
