3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
