His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
