Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
