I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
