I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
