Pants 0. Shit 1.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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