I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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