Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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