i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
