I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
