Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
