I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she looked like the before picture.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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