you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
