I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You can't motorboat a personality
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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