Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
God I need to hump something, right now.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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