I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
