I can text with my tongue
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
