My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
