Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
