Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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