If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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