i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
