New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!"Β, then passed out on the couch.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
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