she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
