is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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