I just threw up on my dentist
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
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i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
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I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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