Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
