Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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