I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
