Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
