I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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