Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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