i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
