You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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