I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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