Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
