YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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