Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Four minutes until I can fart!
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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