know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
