I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
