there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
