Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
