Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
