saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
