someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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