All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
