ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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