so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
